Posted by: smilesmores | February 24, 2010

“Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they should never bother about.” W. H. Auden

Lately I’ve been thinking that in a quest to rid myself of perfectionism, I should publicize my god awful brain farts for all the world to see/smell.  But then when I read over this sh*t, I realize…it’s not quite me.  Or maybe even better, I’m not quite me.  That is to say, it’s not apparent that I know who the hell I am.  And that there’s a part of me in this blog that is trying desperately to be someone that I’m not.  I mean, what’s up with the lotus flower picture?  Am I trying to be Ms. Monk?  Why all the troubled musings over my state of mind?  Do I see myself as some kind of self-help guru?  What’s going on here?!?!!

Maybe the worst part of this god awful exercise is the realization that I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself, because 1) no one’s reading this and 2) the moment I read my own writing, I start to gag.  And I think the reason is…I’m not quite being true to myself and haven’t quite figured out *why* I’m bothering with a blog.  Isn’t it some sort of narcissistic urge to believe that someone wants to know every last thought I have in my head?

So…I’ve decided to use this as a “Morning Pages” type of exercise to help me find my voice.  Personally, creatively, professionally and otherwise.  I’m not sure that this is thoroughly engrossing, but at least it feels genuine.  For now.

And another thing…this little salamander picture is the cutest thing ever.  It’s completely random for me to mention it, but I know this nutty pic is going to inspire me to do great things.  Great nutty things.


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