Posted by: smilesmores | May 30, 2010

“A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.”

Today I’ve been battling my own demons while packing up to move to our new place.  There’s something strangely liberating about starting afresh but also sadly unsettling about reshuffling memories.  This latest move reminds me of my move to California, a crazy fresh start to bring me closer to what I thought I wanted while clearing away the cob webs of a broken relationship.

The problem I find is that the relationship may not have been broken.  It may have been me.  That relationship, complete with a home by a babbling brook and blissfully ignorant quacking ducks, was a lesson in love for sure.  There’s no doubt our relationship was built on some kind of love, but it was also built on codependence and some other measures of dysfunction.  I’m grappling with repairing the problems it uncovered in me.  Why can’t I give?  Why am I determined to live in the shadows some days?  What’s so damn difficult about enjoying life?  Shouldn’t it be enough to wake up in the morning, have breakfast waiting for you, step outside to enjoy the sound of your dog barking at the ducks in your backyard pond?  Why was that not enough?  More importantly, why am I happier now and can I sustain this?

These last few weeks I’ve been confronted with the possibility of repairing another broken relationship, and I’m finding the task to be a daunting one.  If your emotions have always been blocked in a relationship, does it mean they’ll always be blocked?  How much does the beginning of a relationship indicate how the continuation of it will be?

Perhaps it’s time to move on.  It’s difficult to step out of yet another relationship without wondering what it is that I’m searching for and if I’ll ever find it.

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